A Brief History of Chilliwack

Wow, uh, no games this week as it snowed out here in Victoria Norman. Coach also said there’s some problems with some of the video equipment used to record my Xbox the game, so we can’t play games until the replacement Adaptec GameBridge cameras arrive.

In the meantime, it crossed my mind as a good idea to let y’all (see? I’m slowly becoming a native — I mean that in the sense of being a native of the state of Oklahoma, not an actual American Indian whose people make up 8.55% of the population here in 2005 according to a government census) in on a little history about my home town: Chilliwack

Chilliwack is located in the Southwestern section of British Columbia, Canada. Approximately 100km east of Vancouver, Chilliwack’s population of 70,000 is constantly in a state of not being good enough and always coming in second to them big city boys. Featuring a dense blue collar population with numerous industrial and agricultural endeavors, this is not the best place to be an ethnicity other than “All-the-way-White”. That is, of course, unless you can manage to swing a Status card which entitles you such benefits as cheap gas among others.

The city itself is surrounded by pollution blown in via Victoria and Vancouver and has many parks nearby such as “The Duck Pond Weed Smoking Pond”, “The Park across from the school where I’m going to kick your fucking ass you faggot Skater!”, and “That meth house on Charles St”. Oh yeah, and there’s some lake there called Cultus, but I’m pretty sure you need to be from Surrey to use it. At least in the summer. There are also many recreational activities in the area including buying weed, smoking weed, growing weed, selling weed, getting drunk, doing cocaine, smoking meth, hiding the problems of life behind chemicals, writing off your car, fishing, and golf.

Rolling Stone Magazine wrote:

“At their best, Chilliwack was the finest Canadian rock band, outrocking BTO and outwriting Burton Cummings. But a lack of consistency kept it from international success.”

Chilliwack is also home to favorites such as “The guy who is involved in the community, goes to church every Sunday, but also maybe touches children inappropriately or freebases on weekends”, The Chilliwack Skid© complete with certificate of graduation from Crackhead to Jibhead. He may not look any prettier but at least he’s saving himself some money. These 2 really just scratch the surface of the predominantly white, conservative diversity to be found in “The Green Heart of the Province”. The next specimen of Chilliwackian is the Chilliwack High female, this strange creature sports a slightly unhealthy amount of body fat from drinking too many 40’s, not doing enough powdered contraband on weekends, and 7-11 5-cent candies. Let’s shift gears and take a look at the Sardis Secondary female across town. This teenager is much healthier in appearance, in fact I would bet she does pilates or yoga on a regular basis. Also take note of the slight resemblance to LC from Laguna Beach, or should I say The Hills since the new season is about to start. I can’t wait to see what Lisa Love has to say about LC not taking the internship in Paris. To be fair, I really doubt this girl would be at Sardis Secondary but I just wanted to give you a rough idea and segway to a comment about the new season of The Hills. The Sardis Secondary-ette can be found drinking too much vodka, getting date raped but liking it, and staying skinny by doing the necessary amount of powdered contraband on weekends. Here is a generic Chilliwack male. Notice he is basically a FireCrotch version of Jason from The Hills, except more garbage which is impressive. It should be noted that this male can be found at either Sardis or Chilliwack high schools.

 

Chilliwack Celebrities: Keith Hunter Jesperson, serial killer.

Let’s take a look at some definitions of Chilliwack courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

“the nexus of the universe.
green and red lights both mean ‘dont go’ and yellow is the one that means ‘go’. traffic sometimes moves backwards, trains constantly intersect major roadways, street numbers go down, then skip a bunch, then go back up again. drivers are afraid their cars will flip over if they take corners faster than 10km/h, i am constantly pulled over so that i can get warnings from the police instead of tickets.
generally a terrible city to live in.

person a: man, chilliwack F*&$ing sucks!
person b: yes it does!”

My Opinion: Almost bang on.

“[…]Are we Ghetto? Chilliwack has the fastest growing rate of teen-pregnancies in Canada and is the weed capital. I was in the apartment across the road from a shooting, and just like Vancouver every friday and/or saturday night there is a bar fight. The latest one I heard about invovled[sic] the so called UN gang (they call themselves the un gang because of there[sic] many different backgrounds[…]”

My Opinion: Yes, but this only happens in the Chilliwack area, except for the teen pregnancy thing. Teen pregnancy does not discriminate between wealthy Sardis or skiddy Chilliwack.

“The epicenter of all kicks ass. A very safe and stoner-friendly town, the last murder here occured here around four years ago and cops have walked right passed me while I had a joint hanging out of my mouth, and they just didn’t care. A relatively clean city, not like most cities, with all manner of junk and shit cluttering the streets, the soon-to-be-aired TV show Eureka was filmed here, as well as certain parts of the Wayans brothers film, White Chicks.

Chilliwack kicks so much ass, that after it runs out of ass to kick, it’ll kick it’s own ass, just so it has more ass to kick.”

My Opinion: This is 100% false. Except the stuff about White Chicks. I bet this guy thinks bragging on the internet makes him a big man. You know what makes you a big man? Being a sophomore Impact QB for the OU that’s what!

BOOMER SOONER!

oh p.s. Happy Mayan New Year.

A Brief History of Sean

It’s a mild day. I’m sitting on the grass on the Main Campus of OU. Man what a year it’s been. I still find it amazing that I ended up here. It all started when I picked up a copy of NCAA Football 07. Instantly, I felt a rush of adrenaline I had never felt before. Throwing lasers left, right, down the middle — I was unstoppable. Pretty soon I started to apply the knowledge I picked up in game and used it in the parkling lot football games we’d play at work during break time. Amazingly, my skills were transferrable into the real world. I was never the star athlete on either the basketball or volleyball teams…or any teams for that matter. The only sport I had never played was football. I just never got into it. I guess my one mistake was growing up in Canada, where my secret natural football talent had no chance to blossom. A diamond in the rough if you will. After dominating our breaktime games, a scout over at Stolen Bike suggested I try walking on to an NCAA I-A team, as my 90 OVR rating was definitely adequate. Despite my awkward 6’1″, 173lb frame, I felt I was up to the challenge.

August 2, 2006: OU starting QB Rhett Bomar is dismissed from the team by head coach Bob Stoops. It was reported that he received payments for work not completed from Big Red Sports and Imports, a car dealership owned at that time by a large University of Oklahoma donor, a violation of NCAA rules. Knowing that Paul Thompson was their next choice (and the fact that my OVR was much higher) I decided to tryout as a walk-on. Needless to say, I rocked the show and was quickly brought onto the team. Since I missed the 06 Spring Game, Stoops wanted to see what I could do. Again, domination is the name of the game as I embarassed any other QB’s in the depth chart with a spectatular display of athleticism and determination. A week before our first game at UAB Stoop gave me the news that would change my life: I won the starting QB position as a walk-on freshman! Unbelieveable!

Here are the stats for my Freshman season:

QB Rating: 224.6
Comp: 104
Att: 176
Yds: 2543
TD: 29
Int: 9
Comp%: 59

Oh also I was 1st Team All-Big 12 and a Freshman All-American.

That’s not to say I did it all my own. Malcolm Kelly was the MAN for me last year. Here’s a look at his last season’s stats:

Rec: 69
Yds: 1845
Avg: 26.7
TD: 22
Long: 80
YAC: 403
Drops: 11

And did I mention that he won the Heisman in 2006? Yeah, that’s right.

Adrian Peterson was highly touted at the beginning of the season, but the reality was his skills weren’t fully utilized in light of the Laurel and Hardy-esque teamwork of myself and Kelly. He dropped off the Heisman watch by week 4. Not say he didn’t pull of any amazing runs, he was clutch in the red zone. I seem to have lost his stats…who cares, that loser declared for the draft leaving me with some chump Freshman DeMarco Murray as my HB (I’ll post a full bio later on). Looks like it’s up to me, Kelly, and Iglesias this year.

Needless to say, we ran a perfect 8-0 record in the Big XII resulting in winning the Championship. This afforded us a ticket to the National Championships against #1 ranked USC. I had a bad dream the night before about losing to USC on a safety, but luckily that turned out to be just a dream. We ended up blowing out USC fairly bad as JD Booty threw about 5 INT’s they just couldn’t recover from. We finished the season 14-0 with 2 trophies under our belt. Not bad for a freshman QB. Stoops was stoked as he was pretty fucking pissed about the last 2 National Championship losses in the last few years.

When it came to academics, I did OK. I opted for a “Difficult” major — English. I was torn between that, I-AA team nicknames, Mascots, or ESPN, but I couldn’t turn down the bonuses to Agility, Acceleration, and Break Tackle that could only be obtained from an English degree. I finished off the year with a 2.7 GPA, not my best work but it’s pretty good considering my practice schedule, I’m not too worried. Plus, I’m only in it for the stats boosts.

Social life took a little time to adjust to. Prior to this, I had only been outside of BC for visits to Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Alberta, and the Caribbean. I figured I would be fine as I used to work with a girl who went to OU. The biggest thing was the fact that everyone talked with that accent, and I talked with the accent of a Conscious White Hip Hop Fan/Garbage Malvern. Luckily due to my years of listening to Three 6 Mafia I was good to go within a week. In Victoria, I used to be persecuted for talking like a thug, here I am celebrated for it. I checked out a couple parties at the beginning of the semester. A liking was NOT taken to me at first. My Campus Popularity couldn’t have been more than 2%. My suspicions are it had something to with my constant asking for marijuana and Zima drinking. After we whupped Texas in the Red River Shootout, I was becoming more and more popular. This is ironic as I’m borderline socially anxious with strong paranoidal tendancies. Either I warmed up to the OU party crowd and after winning 2 Championships I can safely say I’m 100% popular. Oh yeah, I also got to fingerbang the girl in the header image. I’m still waiting for the day I can actually stick it in, with or without condom I don’t care at this point. I thought star football players got tons of blowjobs? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m half asian. *sigh*

So here I am, 2007 season is about to start. My OVR has increased to 99 after the 07 Spring Game. I’m also an Impact Player now, I’m pretty excited about that. Looking to hook up with Malcolm lots during the semester (in a football way, not the Laguna way). I’d like to improve my rushing abilities as my average last year was an abysmal -0.7. I can’t depend on Adrian to get us out of jams anymore. I’m also a little worried about our defence as most of our impact LB’s and DT’s have left us for greener pastures. I’ll miss you Ah You, Thibodeaux, Rufus, and Latimer. All those guys were key in making OU the #1 defence last season.

Onward and upward from here. There’ s no turning back now. I hope you bookmark this page so you can be taken on a journey similar to LC moving to LA for an Internship for Teen Vogue (season 2 soon bitches, woo!), except instead of Laguna it’s Chilliwack, and instead of LA it’s Norman, OK. Either way, wish me luck as I attempt to become the next Heartland Heisman!