A Brief History of Chilliwack

Wow, uh, no games this week as it snowed out here in Victoria Norman. Coach also said there’s some problems with some of the video equipment used to record my Xbox the game, so we can’t play games until the replacement Adaptec GameBridge cameras arrive.

In the meantime, it crossed my mind as a good idea to let y’all (see? I’m slowly becoming a native — I mean that in the sense of being a native of the state of Oklahoma, not an actual American Indian whose people make up 8.55% of the population here in 2005 according to a government census) in on a little history about my home town: Chilliwack

Chilliwack is located in the Southwestern section of British Columbia, Canada. Approximately 100km east of Vancouver, Chilliwack’s population of 70,000 is constantly in a state of not being good enough and always coming in second to them big city boys. Featuring a dense blue collar population with numerous industrial and agricultural endeavors, this is not the best place to be an ethnicity other than “All-the-way-White”. That is, of course, unless you can manage to swing a Status card which entitles you such benefits as cheap gas among others.

The city itself is surrounded by pollution blown in via Victoria and Vancouver and has many parks nearby such as “The Duck Pond Weed Smoking Pond”, “The Park across from the school where I’m going to kick your fucking ass you faggot Skater!”, and “That meth house on Charles St”. Oh yeah, and there’s some lake there called Cultus, but I’m pretty sure you need to be from Surrey to use it. At least in the summer. There are also many recreational activities in the area including buying weed, smoking weed, growing weed, selling weed, getting drunk, doing cocaine, smoking meth, hiding the problems of life behind chemicals, writing off your car, fishing, and golf.

Rolling Stone Magazine wrote:

“At their best, Chilliwack was the finest Canadian rock band, outrocking BTO and outwriting Burton Cummings. But a lack of consistency kept it from international success.”

Chilliwack is also home to favorites such as “The guy who is involved in the community, goes to church every Sunday, but also maybe touches children inappropriately or freebases on weekends”, The Chilliwack Skid© complete with certificate of graduation from Crackhead to Jibhead. He may not look any prettier but at least he’s saving himself some money. These 2 really just scratch the surface of the predominantly white, conservative diversity to be found in “The Green Heart of the Province”. The next specimen of Chilliwackian is the Chilliwack High female, this strange creature sports a slightly unhealthy amount of body fat from drinking too many 40’s, not doing enough powdered contraband on weekends, and 7-11 5-cent candies. Let’s shift gears and take a look at the Sardis Secondary female across town. This teenager is much healthier in appearance, in fact I would bet she does pilates or yoga on a regular basis. Also take note of the slight resemblance to LC from Laguna Beach, or should I say The Hills since the new season is about to start. I can’t wait to see what Lisa Love has to say about LC not taking the internship in Paris. To be fair, I really doubt this girl would be at Sardis Secondary but I just wanted to give you a rough idea and segway to a comment about the new season of The Hills. The Sardis Secondary-ette can be found drinking too much vodka, getting date raped but liking it, and staying skinny by doing the necessary amount of powdered contraband on weekends. Here is a generic Chilliwack male. Notice he is basically a FireCrotch version of Jason from The Hills, except more garbage which is impressive. It should be noted that this male can be found at either Sardis or Chilliwack high schools.

 

Chilliwack Celebrities: Keith Hunter Jesperson, serial killer.

Let’s take a look at some definitions of Chilliwack courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

“the nexus of the universe.
green and red lights both mean ‘dont go’ and yellow is the one that means ‘go’. traffic sometimes moves backwards, trains constantly intersect major roadways, street numbers go down, then skip a bunch, then go back up again. drivers are afraid their cars will flip over if they take corners faster than 10km/h, i am constantly pulled over so that i can get warnings from the police instead of tickets.
generally a terrible city to live in.

person a: man, chilliwack F*&$ing sucks!
person b: yes it does!”

My Opinion: Almost bang on.

“[…]Are we Ghetto? Chilliwack has the fastest growing rate of teen-pregnancies in Canada and is the weed capital. I was in the apartment across the road from a shooting, and just like Vancouver every friday and/or saturday night there is a bar fight. The latest one I heard about invovled[sic] the so called UN gang (they call themselves the un gang because of there[sic] many different backgrounds[…]”

My Opinion: Yes, but this only happens in the Chilliwack area, except for the teen pregnancy thing. Teen pregnancy does not discriminate between wealthy Sardis or skiddy Chilliwack.

“The epicenter of all kicks ass. A very safe and stoner-friendly town, the last murder here occured here around four years ago and cops have walked right passed me while I had a joint hanging out of my mouth, and they just didn’t care. A relatively clean city, not like most cities, with all manner of junk and shit cluttering the streets, the soon-to-be-aired TV show Eureka was filmed here, as well as certain parts of the Wayans brothers film, White Chicks.

Chilliwack kicks so much ass, that after it runs out of ass to kick, it’ll kick it’s own ass, just so it has more ass to kick.”

My Opinion: This is 100% false. Except the stuff about White Chicks. I bet this guy thinks bragging on the internet makes him a big man. You know what makes you a big man? Being a sophomore Impact QB for the OU that’s what!

BOOMER SOONER!

oh p.s. Happy Mayan New Year.